Secrets of Happy Families
Adapt, all the time.
Talk. A lot.
Go out and play.
Happiness (and greatness) is made in micro steps.
Agile Families
Morning todo:
- make bed
- wash
- dress
- comb hair
- eat
- make lunch
- …
Weekly meeting (focus on how family functions):
- What went well
- What needs improving
- How may we help
- What will you work on
Agile Family Manifesto
- Solutions exist
- Empower the children
- Parents aren’t invincible
- Create a safe zone
- Build in flexibility
Meals
Tradition important, food not so important.
Typically: 10 minute quality talk, 50% kids.
Games:
- 1 new word
- Autobiography (who, what, when…) - build memory + identity.
- Pain points: solve problems together
- Word games
- Bad and good stuff that happened today
Constitution
Example:
- Anyone can call for 5 minutes.
- Everybody gets 15 minutes for themselves when coming home.
- Parents alternate weeks being right.
Branding: Mission Statement, Core Values
Communication: honest, clear, open. Even when you disagree.
Encourage individuals.
Commitment to family.
Religious/spiritual well-being: value/moral, NOT denomination, worship.
Socially connected.
Adaptable.
Appreciativeness: care, express feeling (introverts do by doing).
Time together (doing things they enjoy).
7 Habits
- Proactive
- The end in mind
- First things first
- Win-win (me⇒we)
- Understand first, then be understood
- Synergize (build family unity while celebrating differences)
- Sharpen the saw - renew spirit through traditions.
Quarrels
Siblings 3-7 clash 3,5 times an hour on average, total 10 minutes. 1 of 7 clashes end with compromise.
Parents should spend more time fostering good behaviour.
Parents should spend less time hindering bad behaviour.
Tips:
- 20 minute joint activity for siblings before meals.
- Siblings do chores together.
- 10 minutes alone with each sibling every night.
- Get involved in their dispute (under 8 cannot manage conflicts) - go to balcony - what did you do right before - what did you do to continue the fight - think about the other - apologize
Aylar: say your stuff first, then Kayla, and don’t interrupt.
Conflict
Watch out for:
- When (18-20)
- Language (I/we versus you)
- Length (important points stated the first 3 minutes)
- Body (should lean forward, smile a lot, nod etc.)
Tackle Criticism
My mind is racing right now. Before er talk about your critique, do you have anything positive to say about…
Once thinking engaged, ask for reason behind critique.
Negotiation
- Isolate your emotions
- Go to the balcony (for overview)
- Step to their side
- Don’t reject, reframe
- Build them a golden bridge
-
Remember: this is not the last time!
- Curious about other sides story
- Tell your own story second (tell how you feel)
- Create a third story together
-
Remember: this is not the last story
- Wisdom of crowds (mix of strong and weak ties).
- Vote first, talk later.
- Hold a premortem (prospective hindsight).
- Have 2 or more women in the room.
Allowances
Talk about finances Take off training wheels (let them choose) Accept their passions Part-time jobs are great for kids (does not negatively affect other stuff, shown in several studies)
Sex Talk
- it is never to early
- it is easier with 9 year-olds than with 14 year-olds
- a little bit goes along way
From girls: be open don’t gross out never get mad relax (you’re not allowing it)
Love Languages
- Words of affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of service
- Quality time
- Physical touch
Tips:
- Put yourself first
- Rethink date night (unusual/different activities)
- Double date
- Family night
From religion
- Joy
- Forgiveness
- Resilience
Home
Questionnaire
- Describe image of ideal home with 10 adjectives / words / phrases
- What is favourite building, and why
- Describe a memorable characteristic or important living space from your past
Tips
- a home needs 3 kinds of spaces: individual, shared and public
- circle sofas to promote communication
- sit at 5,5 feet distance = portrait view (Mona Lisa)
- eat like a parisian = next to each other
- sit at same level (avoid power poses)
- sit on cushioned seats
Travel
Checklists:
- must be linked in time and space, so create different lists for different times in process.
- must be specific
- only killer items, because no-brainers lead to checklist fatigue
- limit (7)
- include children
Games
A good game should have
- a clear goal
- rules
- feedback
- voluntary
3 types of players:
- Achievers
- Maxxers
- Decorators
Cooperative games build community.
Focus more on maxing the positives.
Sport
Parents’ most destructive urging:
- work too hard
- succeed too mightily
- specialise to early
Under 12 (romantic era) - most important to enjoy game.
Coach and kid should create better competitors.
Parents should create better people:
- before game: be driven, define your goals.
- during game: no verbs, flush toilet.
- after game: no postgame analysis, ask & tell 3 memorable things (and comment “I’m not worried, because you’re the kind of person that gets over that”)