No-Drama Discipline
From “Talking so Kids Will Listen…”
- Describe what you see or describe problem
- Give information
- Say it with a word
- Talk about your feelings
- Write a note
Discipline = teaching
Why?
What do I want to teach?
How can I best teach it?
Reactive ⬇︎ Connecion
- emphatize (verbally and non-verbally)
- touch
- listen (stop talking or overload) ⬇︎ Receptive
Given the chance, once calm, kids will usually do right, and learn.
We assume kids won’t be good, when they can’t.
Interpersonal integration cultivates internal neural integration.
Connection
Connect first
- moves kid from reactivity to receptivity
- builds brain
- deepens relationship with kid
Strategies
- Communicate comfort (touch, tone, below eye-level).
- Validate (we hear and understand them) - don’t deny or minimize kid’s experience.
- Stop talking and listen.
- Reflect what you hear.
Really listen
- Don’t interpret too literally. If she says she’ll never be invited again - don’t disagree or challenge statement.
- Your job is to hear the feelings within the words.
- Clue in and chase the why
- Focus on the emotions
- Let go of shark music
mindsight = insight + empathy
insight (my feelings - “that makes me so mad”)
empathy (imagine how other feels)
- develop by asking questions and help kid make observation
- involves integration (repair rupture)
Redirect
- Am I ready?
- Wait until kid ready (misbehaviour happens when kid is dysregulated, hungry, angry, lonely, tired) - calm - alert - receptive
- Consistent (not rigid: work from reliable and coherent philosophy)
Strategies
- Reduce words (may use questions to cover fully)
- Embrace emotions - always validate and honour kid’s feelings
- Describe, don’t preach
- Involve kid in discipline
- Reframe a “no” into a conditional yes
- Emphasize the positive (catch kid doing good) - jeg liker den vanlige stemma di - spør igjen med storegutt-stemma
- Creatively approach the situation
- Teach mindsight tools
Do-over “”I bet if you tried again…”
Toddler misbehavior:
- connect and address feelings
- address the behaviour (hitting hurts)
- give alternatives (be gentle with me)
- move on (“Come! Let’s go out and play”)
Misc
I’m here for you, even when you’re acting bad.
Can’t spoil kid by giving too much of yourself.
“Sounds like pretty mean words you’re using with your brother”
Hva skjer her?
Kan du hjelpe meg å forstå?
Change body posture ⇒ shift emotions.
I’d like to wait until we’re really able to talk and listen to each other. We’ll come back and talk about it in a while.
Children who display frequent and intense reactivity may be struggling with more innate challenges related to sensory integration, attention and/or impulsivity, or mood disorders.